Hello. I’m Pat Noodle.

 

Hello people, I’m Pat Noodle and I would like to start my blog by telling you about myself.

 

Unfortunately, when I was 16, my memory was wiped out by a freak accident which involved a beagle, trying to break the World record for dining out. My memory pretty much starts from waking up months later, balancing across the brow of a traffic wardens cap, in Wiltshire. I sorted myself out and moon walked back to Manchester to start my GCSE’s.

 

When I left school, I was told by my mother that I wasn’t actually her son and that she had found me down the back of the sofa. She said that all I had with me was a tag that said ‘Made in Taiwan’ and an uncontrollable desire to become a house brick. So I popped myself on the local tramps back, gave him part of an old shoe and he whisked me away to Taiwan, which was not an easy task because of the friction between Taiwan and China. I had to be fired out of a bag pipe, across the Taiwan straight, recherché of a mongoose eating a chicken cesar salad from a Tesco Express on the Penghu Islands and into the Choshui River in Taiwan.

 

I spent days walking up river, deep into the mountains. Luckily enough, the first person I come across turned out to be my real farther. He was a very short man, probably because his body consisted of half a lollypop stick stuck into a turnip. He was a grand master of an ancient martial art called ‘香蕉男人非洲式的投擲人’. This loosely translates to ‘banana man afro flinger’. I studied the art for nearly 5 years, becoming one of the greatest pupils that had ever studied 蕉男人非洲式的投擲人. I packed it all in though for a job at Subway. I lasted less than a day there because, after putting on my plastic gloves, I used to then piss in the air singing the chorus to the Earth Song

 

After a few failed businesses that I tried to set up like, looking for the Lock Ness Monster in the singles ads and then exploting him in the porn inustry and then selling him on to the Chinese for meat and medicine, and also robbing blind the blind, I decided that I would go to Coney Island and learn something new.

 

I spent 3 years on Coney Island studying the art of Dance. I majored in Body Popping and Table Dancing. After graduating I decided that I wanted to see the World. I wanted to travel around one of the Continents but couldn’t decide where to go. I got advice from a lot of people and come to the conclusion that most people travel round Australia, Europe and the the U.S. I don’t like going to the same places as everyone else so I decided to travel around Darwin and Blackburn for 2 Years. I couldn’t afford to get to Darwin in style, so I had to get there with Easy Jet. The journey took me 13 days because the cheapest route to Manchester Airport from John Lennon Airport in Ford Capri Land was across Eastern Europe, the Middle East, the Far East and U.S.A. Though most of the journey was done on planes, I also had to travel by pedlo, Motorbility scooter, Nissan Sunny and one of those train like things where you push the handle up and down to make it go. The best place was Thwaites brewery because they let you punch kids in the face for 50 pence. Disabled ones were a pound.

 

I got a job working in a sweat shop in Oswaldtwistle to fund my travels. I used to bottle up sweat from fat bastards backs, which was then labelled up as Dasani and sold on as water in many outlets. The operation shut down after a while, when the authorities started closing in. We said it was because of tap water and cancer.

 

When I returned from my travels, I joined a Freestyle Body Popping troop called Das-Booties. You can see us perform classic moves like the snake, the robot, the amputee and spinning on our heads outside Spars across the country. We also do underground popping (which is illegal) against our rival troop, The Third Reichael. These Body Pop-offs can get really nasty. For example, if someone is dissin your fly-girl through the means of dance and you don’t Pop a good reply then, you could get really hurt, on the inside.
Also, when I’m not dancing, I’m usually working on motorways. My job is to stand in the centre of the lane at night, pointing at which lane the vehicle should be in.

So if you see me Body Popping outside Spar or you see me either in the middle of your lane or spread across your bonnet and windscreen then please let on.